You'll Shoot Your Eye Out Kid

Most all of us are familiar with that lovable holiday classic A Christmas Story. If not I have posted my favorite line from that movie right here. The main character in this flic is named Ralphie and all he wants for Christmas is a Red Rider BB Gun. Repeatedly throughout the film people remind him that he's going to shoot his eye out, and that it is much too dangerous to own a BB gun. I have a story that confirms all of the warnings the people give Ralpie throughout this movie.

When I was probably twelve to fourteen years of age right smack dab in the middle of puberty. If I remember right I owned a Red Rider BB gun just like Ralpie. My brother, cousin, and I were having trouble finding any birds, and on top of that we couldn't hit them when we found them anyway. So we decided to get a little creative. I remember being dared to shoot myself in the foot. So I did it. One thing you should know about me is that when I get dared to do something, I usually do it. Getting shot in the foot was surprisingly less painful then I imagined so I immediately turned to my baby brother Preston and dared him to do it.

Another thing you should know about me is that I was somewhat of a hellian in my younger years, and I am not proud of what I am about to write but it happened. Preston refused to be shot in the foot, and this got me angry. So I told him that he had ten seconds to run or I was going to shoot him. He didn't believe me for the first five seconds, but then I took aim and he started booking it. By the time I got to ten seconds he was on top of a large boulder, and I pulled the trigger. My aim was true and I hit him in the small of his back. He dropped like a sack of potatoes. All I can remember is looking over at my cousin as he was doubled over in fits of laughter. So for all you parents out there considering buying your preteen a BB gun I would reconsider. I feel remorse for this unfortunate event even though it is to this day one of my fondest memories. Merry Christmas!

You can recognize my facebook?

As I was sitting here in my pleasant apartment cooking myself some scrumptious chicken and rice I realized that I needed to write a post that has been long overdue....I have a girlfriend named Candace and she makes fun of me relentlessly. Which is much deserved and I actually like it. I guess you could say it brings down that large ego of mine. One of the main topics things that she makes fun of me for is the fact that I have a hard time being all cutesy on my facebook, blog, and any other social networking devices. 


She likes to say that I'm quote "Ashamed" of the fact that she is my girlfriend. Of course this irks me right to the bones. I have my reasons for not posting my love life for the world to see. Recently I had an experience that illustrates why I don't like to be too cute online.


Not too long ago I was up in Idaho Falls, Idaho. Candace is from around that area, and I was out buying shoes for her niece's birthday present. There I am minding my own business when a sales associate walks up to me and says, "You are Brad right?" All I could do was stare at her in stunned disbelief.  She spoke before I did, "You know Candace McClure right?" It then dawned on me what she was going to say next but nevertheless I still asked, "Yeah, how did you know that?" She replied with one single word. "FACEBOOK" Do you remember that one part in Sandlot when they say Forever? It felt similar to that moment. Turns out that she was one of Candace's neighbors so it wasn't that creepy, but still weird for me. 

That experience taught me a couple things. It really doesn't matter what people think or who reads what you write. They are going to find out soon enough anyway. It also made me realize that I was in fact not ashamed to say how I feel on the internet. So Candace, when you read this just know this is me letting the world know that I love you! As cheesy as it sounds we all have to be a little cheeseball now and then don't we? Keep it real blog world. Until next time this is Bradley Francis signing out.
  

Brad and Cand

Christmas Shopping Troubles?

Christmas seems to be the commercial holiday of the year. From stocking stuffers to Ipod's people go completely bonkers over what to get each other. May I give my two cents on Christmas presents that would we be greatly appreciated by those who watch the As Seen On TV Commercials similar to the ones that I tend to enjoy. Here are my Top 5 As Seen On TV christmas presents for this year.

1. The Snuggie

I would absolutely be tickled pink if I recieved a snuggie this christmas season. In part, because I have always wanted to make a music video called "Teach me how to Snuggie". Also because I am an avid reader and what could be better than reading in a snuggie?

2. Chia Pet

The Chia Pet is a classic As Seen On TV item. If I were to get a Chia Pet it would mostly definitely be the Barak Obama Chia Pet. Foremost because Barak is the first American President to have hair plausible to make a Chia Pet into. Could you imagine James Madison as a Chia Pet?....I sure as heavens can't. 

3. Shake Weight 

Surprisingly it's very difficult to find Shake Weight pictures on the internet so I had to borrow my friend's, and take a picture of myself. Who wouldn't want to lose some arm flab collected over the holidays? I know that I would.

4. The Magic Bullet

This little beauty was a joy in the Francis household for quite some time. I do raise a voice of warning to the buyer. Don't be fooled. You will not be able to juice your tomatoes in 7 seconds. Unless you like a enjoy a chunky tomato puree. Which I'm sure you do not!

5. The Miracle Blade

One of my heroes would have to be Chef Tony for his ingenious innovations in the kitchen. My father has for many years wished that we owned the miracle blade cutting system. I would have to agree with the man. These blades can cut through shoe leather or cement. Why you would ever want to do that in the kitchen I don't know, but you must admit that's wicked cool.

So my good friends, if you are ever at a loss at what to get for that special someone. Look no further than the Home Shopping Network on your television screen. You may be surprised at what you find there. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all.

Who's Your Type?

So as I was sitting in my apartment today I realized that boredom had struck my being. I decided that the time was right to go back and watch one of my all time favorite Disney Flicks. My Good roommate made an off hand comment about how beautiful Belle was, and that in turn got my creative juices flowing. I have determined what traits all of the Disney Princess possess, and by so doing you will be able to choose which one is best for you! I hope that you enjoy my work.

Men that have the hots for Belle are attracted to classy ladies. This fine young women isn't all about the looks cause she's got brains as well, and in no way does that intimidate men who have a thing for Princess Belle. Beneath all of those books Belle has a fiery passion of a 1000 suns, and her kiss can change a horrific beast into a wavy haired hunk of meat. What man doesn't like a woman that likes cute snowball fights in the snow? If you like your women classy, sophisticated, and brunette then Belle is the Princess for you. 

Princess Aurora is your typical Blond. Yes, she is beautiful as the sunshine's rays (not to mention the voice of an angel), but she does tend to get herself into trouble now doesn't she. Some men do, however, like high maintenance girls such as Aurora. It gives them a feeling of power or accomplishment. I would bet my life that Aurora stays beautiful for the rest of her life....even if it required a little botox here and there. She's the 1959 version of a blond bombshell. Go ahead boys she's all yours! I'm going to steer clear.

Cinderella is as timid and as passive as they come. She will cook and clean all day and night, but she has such a cute face that you'd never want to make her do that for you. Because of childhood abuse she may have some negative effects from that, but she's bound melt your heart with the way she dances and sings. There may be some self-esteem issues, but don't let that scare you away from this perfect fit.

Snow White would make the best mother of all time. How could she not when taking care of all those little dwarves? I'm sure she'd be able to handle any type of man that comes her way. I'm not a man of short hair, but for you guys out there the fair skin, and short black hair probably makes you go bat crazy! Sometimes she can be a little bit light-minded, but I'm sure her cooking skills will have you coming back for more!

 Ariel fits every description I've ever known of what a fiery redhead is. She's spontaneous, adventurous, and a whole lot more. I don't know if there is a Disney Princess more passionate about her Prince then Ariel is. She was willing to give away her spectacular vocal cords just to see her man, now that's dedication! She can go over the top at times, but she always brings it back with that passion! Once you go red you never go back.

Mulan is not a Disney Princess end of discussion.

Jasmine is not your average princess. Some would say that she is the skanky type. Do I disagree? Absolutely not. Some men are extremely attracted to a woman that is willing to take charge and make the first move. Jasmine does have this exotic quality to her that the other princesses lack. If you are willing to not wear the pants in the relationship then Jasmine is your cup of tea!

Princess Tiana is a go-getter. When she has an ambition she runs for it and she won't let anybody get in her way. She definitely has that black woman sass, not to mention a black woman......butt. Tiana would be a fine catch for any man, especially if he is looking for a woman with an accent. You won't find a better cook in the Disney Empire and that's an important trait in a future spouse. Hold on to your bootstraps she's a keeper.

Rapunzel is also quite the fire cracker. She may be the most talented of the Disney Princesses, she has an amazing singing ability as well as extravagant painting ability. Never before has a Princess been able to kick trash like Rapunzel. The only thing that creeps me out is that she hasn't had human contact her entire life so she's gotta have something wrong. Be prepare to get tangled up in that hair if Rapunzel is the one for you.

I hope you have enjoyed my extensive research on Disney's most beloved Princesses. I am sure you are all wondering who I would choose, and of course I would choose Ariel. I am currently dating a redhead, and for all you haters....Think Again. Just like I said when you go Red you never go back. Over and Out! Rate for your princess over on the right. 

Why do they say grown men don't cry?

I have a blessing and a curse...No I am not spider man, but what I am is emotional. Ever since I turned probably 12 years old I have gotten teary eyed at touching moments in movies/commercials/ youtube videos. It all started at a point in the movie Galaxy Quest with Tim Allen, Siguorney Weaver, and other no-name actors. Funny enough Dwight from the office has a cameo in that movie....but that is besides the point. The first time I watched that movie I was twelve years old in a hotel room in Southern California. At near the climax of the film Mathasar (The leader of the alien ship) is captured, and being tortured by the villain. Tim Allen is then forced to explain to Mathasar that the T.V. show that they were trying to recreate wasn't actually real. That they had been lying. Mathasar then let out a squeal that I can't describe with adequate words. Imagine a baby panda watching it's mother die a slow painful death, and that's the sound that Mathasar made. I couldn't help it....tears came flowing freely. Every since then I knew that I had a soft heart.

Many other instances have indicated to me that I'm just a big softy. A few others come to mind as I jog my memory. There was one time that I noticed someone had posted a touching video on someone else's wall on facebook. I took the liberty to watch the short youtube video myself. It consisted of various fathers reuniting with their families after their military service. The pure joy on these peoples' faces brought streaming tears to my eyes. Here I was, alone, in my apartment sobbing and laughing all at the same time. I was laughing at how ludicrous the situation was. Yes, I was a twenty one year old man crying my eyes out in my apartment. I have posted a link here so that you may all watch the beauty of the video, and somewhat realize why I was crying so much.

I have to add a the end of this post that it's not completely my fault that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I am not completely sure if showing emotion is a genetically-inherited trait, but I would be willing to bet a buffalo nickle that it is. My father has always been a man of emotion whether it is crying at extreme makeover home edition, or crying during hallmark commercials. He has always let out a couple tears here and there. You know some people say that they've never seen their Dads cry, but it happens to me on a weekly basis. So that's why I pose the question why do they say grown men don't cry?

Master Bieber

I must confess that my roommate and I are probably the biggest Justin Bieber fans in Cache County. Recently Justin Bieber was featured on Barber Walters 10 most interesting people of 2010. I have decided to write a post on Bieber because he has come out with a new song and I feel as if I should share it in the blogosphere with my friends. It is called Pray, and I feel somewhat warm and fuzzy inside when I listen to it. Please watch it and enjoy the musical fusion of the Prince of Pop.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9tJW9MDs2M 

Ok now it makes sense...

Recently I have been wrongfully accused of being sexist. In some off-hand comment I made that age old suggestion that females are worse at basketball. Deep down I really did feel that way, but I simply had no evidence. Last night I had the pleasure to film an Aggie's basketball game in conjunction with my job and I have found my proof that women are in fact worse at basketball. No offense in any way ladies.... 

To the best of my recollection it was a fast break for the Aggies, and everyone in the building assumed that it was going to be an easy layup. What happened was somewhat humorous, and if you were to playback the audio from the camera I was filming on you would have heard a jolly chuckle. I can't explain exactly what happened with the ball in text so I will just post a picture.

 
This is the classic ball stuck in the rim. Everyone has seen it before, but what it made it hilarious on this faithful day was that no one on the court could get the ball down. Admittedly if I jumped to get this ball I would maybe get it once out of 53 attempts, but still I was watching a basketball game where no one could jump as high as the rim. The referee finally had to go get a broom, and poke the sucker until it fell down.

So yes, here is my proof that no only is womens basketball not as entertaining, but they aren't as good as their male counterparts. I don't mean to be sexist I am merely stating a fact of life. Thank you for your time 

The Greatest Time of Year

So everyone who reads my blog probably knows that I was born on the 24th of December. Yes, I came home in a Christmas stocking on Christmas morning. I know that just rips your heart apart with how precious it was. Today I didn't have much to do so I decided to google the celebrities that share this glorious day with me...My findings may astound you.

Bradley Francis

Howard Hughes

Stephanie Meyer, who invented Taylor Lautner

Ryan Seacrest

 

 Ricky Martin

It's astonishing to me to realize how the stars in the heavens must have aligned to create such fantastic looking individuals. How else could you explain the evidence above? Coincidence? I think not!

Truth or Dare

To all of my blog followers... I am deeply sorry for the length of time that has gone since I have last posted. Various things have happened to me since the last post and I would like to share a story that changed my life. It was nearing 1:00 in the morning and we were in West Valley, Salt Lake City. It was immediately after the Jazz home opener....Sadly we lost to the Heat in poor fashion, but after the game both me and my compadres were a little parched. The back of my throat was definitely a little bit scratchy from all the screaming and yelling. To make things worse we were blasting some JB in the car (Justin Bieber for the elderly audience reading this), and we were singing our guts out. When out of the corner of my eye I notice two young Hispanic men driving the same speed as we were with the window rolled down. Instantly I roll my window down in sweet anticipation of what was going to happen. The first thing these fine young gentlemen say to me is, "Where is the party?" I am stunned at the question.... For one of the few moments in my life I am speechless. When a small voice coming from my good friend Tori says, "The party is in here!" I laughed for awhile.

The most stunning part of the night was when we took a stop at 7/11 later that night. I went in and happened to buy a Mountain Dew Slurpee to ease my troubled throat. When I got back to my car I hear a middle age woman's voice speaking in my direction. She beckoned us to stop the vehicle.When she arrived the first impression I got of this women is that she looked much like the old hag from Princess Bride that yells BOOO, BOOO! Ok I lied she didn't look much like her, but I thought it would make my story better. I was sitting in the passengers side when she comes up to me and says these epic words, "Can I sit in your seat." For a couple moments I considered it. Then I realized how insane what she said actually was. I think all I could say was, "What?" She then repeated that she wanted to sit in my seat, and I promptly declined. This lady was out of her freaking mind. Then she said some words that I could never forget. She said, "It's kind of a dare, so would you please let me in your seat?" This shocked me even more....What 35 year old women is still playing Truth or Dare? I then laughed out loud in her face, rolled up my window, and drove away. All I can say is stay away from West Valley, crazy stuff happens in that town.

Fire Ants

About 50 people a year are killed by Ants

I have an uncle who is a fantastic individual. Ever since we have been little kids my uncle Dean has come up with some of the craziest crap for us to do. Different challenges/ amusing things for us to perform so that those around can get a good laugh. He usually paid us pretty handsomely for it too so we were always game. Specifically I remember one hiking trip that got out of hand pretty quickly. 

We went on a pretty extensive hike somewhere in the Wasatch Mountains. When we got near our destination we decided to take a quick break so that everyone could catch their breath. What we happened to notice at our resting spot were too large red ant hills. I was the first one to get dared to do something. Dean determined it would be pretty hilarious if I were to stand barefoot in the ant hill for thirty seconds. I thought the whole ordeal went pretty smoothly, if I stood still the ants didn't bite too much and I made a quick twenty.

This definitely wasn't enough for old uncle Dean so he decided to up the ante a little bit. My brother and cousin were also there on this occasion and Dean deemed it necessary to challenge them to drop pants and pop a squat right on top of the ant hills. For the first two or three seconds not much happened. I think it took the ants a little bit to realize they had large butts in their faces. When they did realize, however, all hell broke loose. Kimball and Preston jumped from the ant piles simultaneously, and did the best pants dance I've ever seen. I think Preston told me that he was getting ant bites all the way down the mountain. Even though they didn't make it the full thirty seconds Dean still paid them the money. It was maybe the best forty dollars he ever spent. 

Love

My father has said many quotable things in his life, but I believe that one stands above the rest. Shortly after my dad returned home from his mission he started dating my soon to be mother. Things escalated quickly between them and my father said this, "Kathleen, we're not moving too fast, time is moving too slow." Such a good quote.

A walk home from school

The opportunity for doing mischief is found a hundred times a day, and of doing good once in a year. Voltaire 


I tend to find the above statement to be true. As young bucks in Happy Valley Utah we had to get creative to find ways to make mischief, but we sure did. More than often these little experiences happened spontaneously. Like the one time my friend through my t-shirt in a mud puddle, and we decided to throw it away instead of showing my mother.


We even found some good mischief walking to and from school. We actually developed quite the interesting way to pass the time. There was a large walnut tree at the bottom of this hill that we would walk up on the way home from school. On our way up the hill we would collect walnuts and throw them under the tires of passing cars. The noise that was created when these walnuts were thrown was quite astonishing. To young boys our joy could not be more full...to see the concern portrayed on the faces of the unsuspecting drivers. Most of them wondering whether or not their tire had actually exploded. 

One day our mischief almost turned into a misdemeanor. Everyone has a wild pitch every now and then. This day just happened to be mine. One of my throws just got out of hand, and instead of the walnut rolling safely under the tire it hit the passenger side door smack dab in the center. The sound must have been deafening for the people in the car. I wish I could accurately describe the livid expression on the irritated car-pool mother driving the car. I honestly believed in my heart that I was going to lose my life at 9 years old. She ended up just yelling at us for several seconds and threatened to call the cops. I always wonder what would have happened if she would have called the police station on three pre-teen children. I personally would have chuckled if I was the operator that took that call. It was terrifying for me at the time. The best of part of the story is that we didn't stop after that car. In fact we continued throwing walnuts at the very next car!

50 Nuggets

Have you ever been an employee working late at an eating establishment? If you have then you must know how crappy it is to have someone come in during the wee hours of the night and order something completely ridiculous. The man working the McDonalds in Logan Utah at precisely 1 in the morning September 13th 2010 had one of these experiences. My good friend Brady and I got the munchies at around 1 in the morning as usual. Sadly nothing in Logan Utah stays open on a Sunday night after 5:30. So we had to get creative and we went to Mickey D's. When we got there we noticed out of the corner of our eyes a tempting little sign. It said 50 McNuggets only 10 dollars. I looked my good friend in the eyes and in that very moment I knew that we were going to get it. The only way I can describe it is when you kiss a girl or boy for the first time and you look each other in the eyes and you just know it's going to happen. That's how the nugget feeling was. I just knew.

When we pulled up for the first time all we heard on the intercom was that we couldn't pay with a credit card. This wasn't going to stop us. So we went to the nearest ATM....We showed those posers. When we came back we promptly ordered fifty processed chicken chunks with fries and cokes to boot. The man was not happy to say the least. I think it was mostly because he had a line of 5 cars at the drive and he was the only one working.

He must have been so annoyed when we pulled up to window and saw how happy our faces were. It took a little while for the nuggets to get out of the microwave, but we were overjoyed when he got to the window. As he was handing the overflowing bag to Brady the thing ripped and nuggets went all over the place. The first thing that Brady says is "Oh it's cool" As if we're going to pick up the nuggets all off the floor and eat them anyway. When he looked at how wide spread the nuggets were and how dirty the ground was he looked up at the worker and said, "Yeah we might need to get some more" That man made us 100 chicken nuggets that night. I don't know how many nuggets we ran over on the way out but it sounded like at least 37.  I felt sorry for the man, but I was laughing my buns off. The good news is that we ended up eating all the food  between just two of us. It was men vs. food and we won baby.

He got what he deserved

I once spent two years living in the little country of Denmark. For those of you that know absolutely nothing about the country no they do not speak dutch there they speak Danish. Also for your information they speak Dutch in Holland. That's a common misconception that is starting to get on my nerves because Dutch is a terrible language almost like a kid with a massive lisp trying to speak while hacking up a lung definitely not a pleasant sound. While in Denmark I spent many days riding around public transportation much like the one depicted in the picture directly above the text. Many Danes choose to take the bus to work because it is more  efficient and affordable. I also believe that many Danes use it as an excuse to feel more "Christian" almost as if they are helping there fellowing being by going green. I'm not sure how they came to this conclusion, but if it makes them sleep at nights so be it. 

One thing that must be realized about the Danish people is that they are a very orderly people. They like everything to be in it's place and surprises aren't commonly welcomed. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, but as a whole the Danish people like to be comfortable in their safe little lives. One faithful day while riding on one of these buses our bus driver must not have been paying attention and had a little blunder. He turned the wrong way on his assigned but route. You would have thought that George Bush had been elected as the Danish Prime Minister with the uproar that they put out about this wrong turn. Everyone besides me and one of my good friends put in their two sense about how stupid this man was for turning the wrong way.

Of course the man's mistake was corrected as soon as possible, but this required a three-point turn in a busy intersection. A few passengers on the bus decided that they would go out and direct traffic so that the beastly vehicle could turn around safely. The driver was obviously flustered because he started to pull away before these helpful passengers could reenter the bus. Yet another yelling session happened as the irritated people on the bus petitioned the bus driver to stop. He did stop and I will never forget what happened when the passengers entered the bus again. 

One man who had been left behind was extremely agitated and that was evident. His face was a shade of magenta as he yelled a stream of cuss words at the driver. I felt sorry for the man, but he did leave people who were already late for their jobs behind. As soon as the man had finished giving the driver a piece of his mind the already shaken driver proceeded to slam his foot on the gas pedal. The vehicle was then propelled in motion and the furious man was immediately thrown off his feet and his face skidded down the aisle of the bus. His glasses and suitcase were flown from his person, and when he rose to his feet long black marks were on his white shirt and pants. He was too angry for words at this point. I sincerely believed that he was going to explode. An audible gasp was emitted from all those in attendance, immediately following the gasp were spatters of laughter, mine included. It was just a little gift from above to see that tyrant get what he deserved.

How's This For Noise Curfew

I wouldn't say that we were troublemakers as children, but we had our moments of excitement. My good pal absolutely loved the Fourth of July. I doubt that he was nostalgic about our the birth of our country however. He lived and breathed illegal fireworks. I admit just the fact of putting the word illegal in front of a word makes it much more extreme. For example if you were to put the word illegal in front of something tame like illegal scrap booking I'm sure there would be a boom in scrapbookers across the nation. Illegal fireworks were something of a past time for us adolescents. We weren't limited to the normal fireworks like bottle rockets or random candles, our greatest joy came from creating our own. It's surprisingly simple how far a little duck tape and pliers can go in creating some dangerous joy.  For your information the law for fireworks in the state of Utah is this.

Specifically Permitted

Cylindrical and cone fountains (effects no higher than 15’,) wheels with no more than 6 drivers, ground spinners, flitter sparklers, smoke devices, wire sparklers under 12” in length, party poppers, trick noisemakers, ground chasers that do not travel more than 10 feet laterally, snakes, and glow worms. Samples must be tested by State Fire Marshal and be listed on a published list of approved fireworks.

Specifically Prohibited

Firecrackers, cannon crackers, salutes, cherry bombs, sky rockets, roman candles, aerial fireworks that have effects higher than 15’, and chasers, whistlers, or other devices that travel more than 10’ laterally on a smooth surface or exceed 15’ in height when discharged.

As I look at the specifically prohibited firework section of this I now realize that the fireworks we were producing broke almost all of those regulations. I remember this occasion like it was yesterday. We were having a simply wonderful Fourth of July just lighting off as many illegal fireworks as possible. All of us believed that the night was young when we heard a stirring coming from the house just across the street from ours. A second story window opened with an irritable neighbor hanging out of it. She hollered, "Don't you know that it is past the noise curfew?"

First off I don't think that 15 and 16 year old minds can comprehend the idea of there being such a thing as a "noise curfew". All of us were processing this when I noticed in my peripheral that one of my friends was acting off pure impulse. Lucky for him he had an illegal firework made and ready to toss. Looking back it I don't think that he actually thought about what he was doing. All I remember is that the firework was already in the air when my friend yelled, "How's this for a noise curfew!" There are moments in life when time stands still. When you can't even believe what is going on right before your eyes. In slow motion the man made bomb landed right on the neighbor's doorstep. The crack was deafening as the firework hit the pavement. Without even thinking all of our legs were already in motion in absolute terror to what would be waiting for us if we stayed in our yard. It was great to be fifteen. There are times I wish that I had such reckless abandon. My friend got his point across that day and I respect him for that. Sometimes we just need to do instead of think.

Better Not Leave That Window Cracked

This was how close Kevin Dyson came to winning Super Bowl 34 mere inches from victory.

We as humans all make little mistakes. Sometimes just a couple of inches can cause catastrophes. My father sadly had a disastrous accident because of a just an inch or two. In conjunction with his job my father Jim had to drive around quite a bit. I don't know if you know this, but when you drive in a car quite a bit debris collects on vehicles when they are driven so frequently. By all accounts it was quite a routine car wash that my dad pulled into that day. There was nothing uncanny about the events that were about to transpire. When the blasters passed over the car he noticed however that water was trickling in from a side window. The controls for the windows were located in the center console between the two seats. As my father leaned across the seats he accidentally pushed in the buttons to both front windows. A virtual Niagra Falls erupted through the now gaping windows. My Father describes it in such a way that he was screaming like a little girl as he desperately tried to salvage the situation by rolling up the windows.

I like to wonder what was going through his head as the windows descended. I'm sure the whole incident happened in slow motion for him. Was it shock that crossed his mind? Was it fear? Or perhaps was there slight irritation at his own clumsy mistake? Whatever the case it must have been intense. It must have been a horrible feeling to know that at that point there was nothing you can do. He might have well pulled out the water wings and the snorkel and goggles. At that point it is just worth it to resign to going swimming cause he turned that Saturn into a swimming pool with wheels.

The saddest part of this story is that the work day wasn't even over. Imagine one downtrodden human being waltzing into a Nordstroms to buy a new pair of slacks so that he could get back to the office. Imagine pulling up to a car up to an intersection to watch a grown man literally ringing out his soaked shirt out the driver's side window. I have a certain pity for my dad, and the events that transpired that day. On the other hand it made for one heck of a good story.

Under Where?

Culturally, when a young girl gets her first bra, it 

may be symbolic of her coming of age.

It was a fine day in Pleasant Grove Utah. On all accounts it seemed like any other day of the year. Nobody could have expected the catastrophic events that would soon present themselves on this very ordinary day. I was sitting, and chatting with my younger brother Preston as he was playing some pointless online game. The location of the computer was such that I could sit on the bed and easily talk to him at the same time. My mother was simultaneously folding laundry immediately to my left. We chit chatted about who knows what when I realized that I was getting close to being late for work. 

At the time I was lucky enough to be an employee for the Quiznos corporation. Mmmmm toasty I say. On a side note I believe that I have consumed over 200 chicken carbonaras at that store. I would highly recommend that beauty of a sandwich. When I arrived at my place of employment I was stunned to find a beautiful woman standing there supposedly coming to visit me. I knew her well, she was in fact my homecoming date. Admittedly I was slightly abashed. I may or may not have had a pinkish red hue dancing across my cheek bones. I offered up some conversation for a few minutes and decided that it was high time that I sign in for work and help the few straggling customers that had trickled into the store. It was then that the crap hit the fan.

I was absentmindedly putting on some latex gloves so that I could properly assist the hungry customers when I was violently shoved into the Quiznos preparation room. My good friend and coworker had nothing but terror on his face when he reached down near my buttox and said, "What the freaking crap is this thing?" To my sheer astonishment and horror he lifted up what appeared to be women's underwear. I couldn't believe my very eyes.  Little known to me my little sister had begun to start wearing what they call training bras. I don't technically know what that means. My greatest guess is that the training bra is what is used to prepare to wear a real bra. I don't know if wearing a bra is strenuous and requires training, but it must be that some training is required or else they wouldn't invent the curious things. I immediately threw the brasserie into the nearest trash can. Probably trying to throw away the memory of this horrifying event.

It was the most devastating, embarrassing moment that I have ever lived, and maybe ever will live. When I called my mother and told her the story she actually forced me to sift through the trash and collect the foul under garment. The worst part was the positioning of the the bra on my backside. It wasn't just barely attached and unmistakable. Supposedly both shoulder straps had connected themselves to the Velcro of my back pockets. The underwear was literally spread eagle across my bungus. What I fail to comprehend was how the thing managed to stay attached from the house to the car ride all the way into the store. Embarrassing moments sometimes define the people we are. I just hope to never relive something like this.

Pressy Poo

My brother Preston is an interesting individual. Don't get me wrong I love the boy. Preston and I would be comparable to Mario and Luigi, to Batman and Robin (I'm Batman of course), and to Ricky Ricardo and Lucy (I would be Ricky).  All of these dynamic duos had something in common. The sidekick in the story is always a push over. My brother Preston is somewhat of a pushover. For example if there was only one green otterpop left and the the other was a purple I would always get the green. That's just how it's forever worked out in the Francis household. This is a story where my brother Preston was pushed to the limits and found himself halfway out of a nine story hotel building. 

It was my senior year of high school, and it is customary for seniors to go on what is referred to as a senior trip. A couple of my buddies were on the lacrosse team with me and we decided that it would be chipper to go on a trip to Baltimore Maryland to watch the NCAA championships of lacrosse. The details become fuzzy to me as to why my brother came along, but nevertheless he was there. We will forever be grateful that he came on the trip after what happened one faithful night in our hotel room. I remember that someone made a side comment that it would be absolutely hilarious if someone were to poop out the window. This must have sparked something in one of my good friends mind because his eyes immediately turned to my baby brother Preston. He said with a wry smile, "Preston you should poop out the window."

His immediate reaction was absolutely not. However with a little coaxing his pants were at his ankles with his bare bungus hanging out of the 9 story window. So many things were happening at once that conjuring the memory in my mind is a little tough, I do remember a few things however. I had a firm hold on Preston's right arm and leg while my other buddy had a tight hold on the left side. To insure the safety of my brother we also had another man harnessing him with a leather belt strapped around his waste. If you can picture this in your mind you will realize how hard it was to hold him in a good pooping position. I was laughing so hard I thought that I was going to poop my pants, and that I was going to have to switch Preston places. While the three of us were meticulously holding the pantless boy up another friend was taking pictures from an adjacent window. 

If you are a young child reading this I would stop for you other people I apologize for the graphic detail. When Preston had finished his business we assumed that the poop had fallen the nine stories to the pavement below. How wrong we were. It barely made it one story and hit the window ledge in the hotel room directly underneath ours. Of course this sent our group of friends into a frenzy. One of my buddies even suggested that we lie to the people below us and feed them some story that we were hammered drunk. We ended up just letting it be. The window did have to stay shut the rest of the night. It was quite a pungent odor. Like I said my brother Preston is a push over. 

Slip of the tounge

I have an Aunt who once said one of the funniest things that I have ever heard in my life. I will always and forever remember my Aunt LeeAnn for this poignant phrase. She once was reprimanding my cousin when she said, "You little J-Ass!" Of course she was trying to say Jack A and censor her language. I thought that was hilarious. It's these little tidbits in life that make life worth living.

This is my cousin Kimball or a little J-Ass I'm not quite sure.

5 things i hate about blogging...

1. When someone states that they are blogging for a release.


2. Bloggers who "Blog" for their posterity. Give me a break. 


3. Those who state that their blog has recently received a makeover.


4. Blog jargon, for example when I put something new on my blog I haven't created a new blog entry I've created a blog post.


5. The very word Blog. It sounds like it should be a super villain. 


Thank you for your time.

I have an addiction...

Salt is the single biggest preventable reason for high blood pressure. When salt is consumed, it activates the same part of the brain as cocaine and heroin addiction. The recommended maximum daily intake of salt for a healthy individual is 2,300 mg; if you're consuming more than that, you are putting yourself at risk for hypertension, vascular and cardiac damage, and obesity in addition to high blood pressure.

1 tablespoon is almost equal to 5 grams. There is 1000 milligrams in 1 gram. So therefore there are 5000 milligrams in 1 tablespoon

There was a point in my life when I consumed more than double the daily amount of recommended salt intake in one pop. This is my story. To be honest I have an addiction to table salt. There was one point in my life when I was eating a delicious breakfast burrito when I realized how far I was deep into my addiction. I sit here today proud to say that I broke that addiction. I went cold turkey and didn't use table salt for six months. Until one day I cracked this is the story of my relapse. I was sitting around the table with five of my good buddies. We were talking about stupid human challenges, you know like eating a pound of mayonnaise, or maybe a 25 foot sushi roll.  My good friend Bowman Stacey then said something that would change my life forever. He said, "It is impossible to eat a tablespoon of salt in one go."

It was improbable that Boman knew anything of my prior addiction, but before I could even think before I could even react I blurted out, "I know for a fact that I could do it."

So the challenge was laid before me. I was a Anigo Montoya, the salt had killed my father, and now it must prepare to die. There was nothing left to do but fill the spoon completely, and take it like a man. I admit more than once I was on the edge of blowing chunks, but I held it down. I was on top of the world. I was Clay Aiken when he found out his record blew Ruban Studdard's out of the water.  I was doing my little victory dance when it hit. My stomach was doing the ChaCha. I felt as if I was going to die. So I laid on the floor for two hours groaning, and passing gas as my friends laughed at my condition. This was maybe the biggest mistake that I ever made in my entire life. Imagine if a heroine addict was clean for three months and took the biggest shot of his life. That was me on that day. If someone ever raises that challenge again I might just take it cause that's who I am.  

That's a Bunny My Friend

Since the creation of this blog I have had a dream to write a story about my glorious grandfather Carl Rowley. The only setback was that I didn't have a story that I deemed worthy enough to describe this fascinating man, until now. As I was sifting through the numerous memories of my grandfather I came across this little gem. Going camping with my grandpa was always an eventful occasion. Embarrassment nearly always accompanied these  fun-filled family outings. The crew on this specific date happened to be me my brother, and my granny and grandpa. Yes, you read that right we call my grandma granny. For those of you who be hatin I would direct you to this link.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVEe7TrUabg What we call my grandma, however, has nothing to do with this story. We were busy setting up camp when I realized just where we were. I felt like I had been dropped into Kid Rock's family reunion. The wife beaters were plentiful, and the beer was flowing like wine. We were minding our own business when this dirty individual approached us.

"You turkeys need any help over here?" I don't think he really said turkeys, but it makes my story a lot more funny.
"No thanks," my grandpa answered. "I see you are a fan of the coug, what do you think their chances are this year?"
"What the hell are you talking about?" The man was obviously clueless.
"Well you're wearing that hat so I assumed that you were a BYU cougars fan." At this point I was holding back tears of laughter. I couldn't believe what was unfolding before my eyes. Could it honestly be possible that this was happening?
"Oh that, well that's a playboy bunny gramps." The amazing thing was that this man didn't even crack a smile. I was on the floor at this point. This may have trumped any other experience that I had happen to me up to this point with my grandpa.
His answer was a classic old man answer, "Oh well how about that."

My grandpa is obviously the man,and I will forever cherish this little moment that I shared with him.

Easy Mistake Right?

I Have Seen Bigfoot

Cryptozoology (from Greek κρυπτός, kryptos, "hidden" + zoology; literally, "study of hidden animals") refers to the search for animals which are considered to be legendary or otherwise nonexistent by mainstream biology. This includes looking for living examples of animals which are extinct, such as dinosaurs; animals whose existence lacks physical support but which appear in myths, legends, or are reported, such as Bigfoot and Chupacabra;^[2] and wild animals dramatically outside of their normal geographic ranges, such as phantom cats or "ABCs" (an initialism commonly used by cryptozoologists that stands for Alien Big Cats).


For those of you who don't like reading boring crap I would suggest not reading the top of this post.


My brother once did a report on cryptozoology in school. This is when I learned of the astounding field. Little did I know how close my life actually came to the truth which is cryptozoology. His main subject in the report was the infamous Chupacabra.Which is to be defined as an evil goat killing mexican monster. I would suggest googling it's mating noises online if you want to waste your time completely. 

My experience with Cryptozoology came at a young age. It was a fine summer morning. I was wearing cut off jeans and a baseball cap worn backwards. I know what you're thinking, and yes I did look exactly like Ash Ketchum. Well we were busy tearing apart the foothills above our house. We knew that place like hobbits know the shire. We'd hang out there every single day those were the days before the atari was invented. Ok maybe that was a lie. Hanging out in the foothills was a blast until it happened. Preston and I were keeping mainly to ourselves when we caught a glimpse of this man sized beast who was completely covered in hair. He stared at us for several seconds, and ran into the distance forever. I firmly believe that I saw Bigfoot that day 
he does exists kids. Don't let your parents tell you any different.




Over and Out.

The Man Who Was Struck In The Face

I have decided to dedicate my blog to incredulous, hilarious, (and any other ous ending adjectives that you can think of) stories from my excursions through life. The story I'm about to tell you will forever live in my memory as one of the greatest moments to ever happen in a sunday school setting. So I was minding my own business sitting in those terribly uncomfortable metal chairs. You know the ones you have to put up after the meeting is over. I hate that. Well a new lesson manual was given out for the rest of the year's required reading. Naturally the man at the front of the room was a lazy pile of trash so he decided to toss them randomly to people seated in the room. On this faithful occasion a man by the name of Gudmund Madsen was seated directly behind me. I received my little lesson manual in a very safe manner. As the book was tossed I watched it from the point of release until it was safely received into my hands, Gudmund wasn't so lucky. The man at the front of the room was attempting to toss one of these semi-heavy reading materials from the very front of the room to the very back row. A pump fake was given as he hoisted the book. I knew immediately that it would not make it to the end of the room. There was simply not enough velocity. This sparked my interest as you can imagine. My eyes followed the book as it soared over my head and smack dab into the face of our beloved Gudmund. I must describe this jolly man. He probably weighed a solid 350, and I don't believe that he could get up under his own power. The most awkward of scenes occurred immediately transpiring the incident. Grown men laughing, Gudmund howling in pain. Such an experience.  Physical pain of others sometimes brings me joy. 

Imagine this book rapidly hitting your face.

I pose a question to the world.

Why Blog?







I must admit that I am somewhat of a blog hater. I have a number of friends who will not be named....(anna, erin, jammie) That thrive in the blog universe. Why is this I ask? For what reason would someone pore out their very heart and soul into the cyber sphere? My quest is to find an answer to this very question. Much like mario on his quest to save the captured princess from bowser's clutches. Or Jim's heroic rescue of the beautiful Jessica in the beloved classic The Man From Snowy River. These men were on quests to find a greater truths. There must be some concrete reason why some of my greatest friends in the world blog. Recently I've been trying to expand my horizons, ride into open frontiers with an open mind. This is my attempt to ride into the sunset on a white stallion accompanied by a damsel no longer in distress....I want to learn to blog. Signing out for now.